Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out Even though Ive known about all of this for 7 months now and weve been going through problems for 10 months now. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. Its not real. Did she get back in touch? Six weeks ago Im still calling my husband a liar for NOT forcing his whores out of our lives with the same ugliness he brought them in with he has not dealt with any of this crap and his sewer rats keep popping up over and over with their skanky smell spraying over my life so I continue to stand up for myself . Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. Given that he has no job right now hes not able to pay you child support or alimony. I then realized it never ever had anything to do with me. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. Whatever you decide. And he is on it a lot more this week which is why I am under the impression they are back speaking. When we met I had just graduated college, gotten a good job, I was starting my life and he was impressed by me. I knew he could easily write off other people, but never me. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. I wish I could control it. I would just say ok to him b/c I knew I could not change his mind. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. My therapist saved my sanity and was a good fit. I hope you can see this. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. I hope he comes to his senses. I dont know how this has happened. K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. But yet he is still living the single Life (somewhat) by handing out in the bars with people you dont know, you are not invited or included and he puts very little effort towards your feelings. But its not necessarily him hating me, like I have felt. I know that. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. Thank you again for sharing your stories! Suggestion on a new approach: speak with a professional. we have been together for 7 yrs and got engaged at xmas. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. From the moment I met her I told him watch your back she likes you more than a friend. If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. You just are not reacting to his cheating. Read up on the 180. It comes first. Continue to work on yourself both mentally and physically and prepare for the long road ahead and for the possibility that the relationship wont make it. Dday2 was a shock but less so b/c I called OW to get answers on why my H was acting so crazy and irrational. And when I do that I can always tell he gets a little curious. He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. The First Wife Complete disrespect. I stumbled on her secret email account by accident and discovered a lengthy email exchange lasting months that was both emotionally and sexually explicit. Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. He encourages you to go out and he will stay home, but yet does not want to stay home with you and your baby. I told him I will never be able to stop loving him if I see him all the time. It pains me to think 1 year ago we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy as ever. b. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. If I gave marriage advice to any young couple always have a back up plan and emergency $. Until DDay2 and I found his A continued. But he was a coward. Thank you all for sharing here. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. Hi I will love to talk to you since you have already make it to the other side im 6 months from d-day at 1st I was the one waiting to fix things but he was in the fog now he is the one trying to come back but im so hurt.. he is trying to control me and manipulate me with $and our son. Linda: I should not have done that. I was lucky to have a great thetapist who kept me grounded and sane. Dont play his game. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. Of course he could be lying to me. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. If thats what he wants then he should go have it, bc I know im better than all of it. Dont be me. In no way am I recommending telling your H you want a D unless you are prepared to do it. My situation is a little bit different because my CS started the affair as an online thing, she is a long distance romance, he went to see her for 2 weeks where she lives, after what seems as maybe 6 months of knowing her via social media, they apparently got engaged, at least thats what she declared on her social media, and while he is still married to me. Trying to get someone to see the mistakes they are making. Its my thinking that gets me so upset. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. And that started the beginning of him changing. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. If you decide to try and R at some point, you need to come to an understanding between both of you as to what your M will be and look like. I hope all is well!!! 3 Signs of a Midlife Crisis Coming to an End - What to get All Rights Reserved. Not any more. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. And I left the room. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. Sometimes he asks me questions where I can tell hes curious about things, and then its like the majority of the time he clearly doesnt care bc if he did, he wouldnt spend all of his free time away from me. Even if its wrong. He is just too cowardly to say it. Because you will know you had your babys best interest at all times. At that time, 18 months ago, He walked into rehab wanting to win his wife back and he walked out with a girlfriend. And after two hours he agreed I was right. Thank you so much. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. Lol. Youre absolutely right. And do not mention the OW for now. But he had already ended the A. I dont know if my D him had any impact b/c he could have taken that opportunity to leave me to be with the OW (or anyone else for that matter) but he chose to stay. I found out his wife was a 3rd grade teacher found her email her Facebook page with recent happy photos of them he would always be busy on weekends but said he had his daughter on weekends I saw their home address and the home was for sale ! Your main focus is providing a warm living environment for your baby. YOU let him contact you. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. I told him he no longer had any decision making ability when it came to me and I was D him. Some recent behaviors led me to believe she was continuing the EA. I dont know what to do. She was 40 my husband 58. Bc this is absolutely awful. And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. However, these crises can often be associated with Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. But you are NOT allowing him to cheat. And that was when we were actually living apart and i was trying to do the 180. It I held my ground for months. When we started dating I was madly in love with him. Read up on the 180. I dont know..well see how it goes. I would know more and more certainly if I had only investigated first, instead of trusting her. From what I have read he is a typical cheater. I allowed him to be mean and nasty. He became a different person overnight. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. You are free to make your own decision. 2. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. It finally got through. I have even pushed our kids, who are angry with my wife for her ongoing affair, to give her extra love out if fear that if she feels unloved that she has no reason to stay. Unless he wants to change which he doesnt think he has a problem so he is not going to you have a choice. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. When I finally removed myself from his game he was left with nothing. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. My theory is you are either with me or not. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. Exactly. Absolutely smart on your part. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. Asking no questions is good too (and smart). Your H exhibits addict like behavior. Im so happy I cry when I read this. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . And he has been gone all day and of course my mind goes to wondering where he could possibly be, but I just have to get used to wondering that, bc now he wont be living here anymore. When I told him I was D him well reality set in and he realized he took ME for granted. She was surprised and said OK. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. I really hope I have done whats right. I said go live the life you want to live, just stop coming here afterwards. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next Thank you so much for your response. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. Best possible given the home you are in. I do fear nights that he starts to not come home at all. He told me he didnt want that, and that he wanted to stay with me and our daughter. How convenient for him. Maybe bc he is out of town. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. He said now he know i wasnt love. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. After I found out, I told him it was over and served him with separation papers because Ive been through this before and he never disconnects fully from women who he engages with. I dont know why I feel that way, I dont think thats how he sees it. Its hurtful what you are living with. I deserve so much more than this. You have told him he needs to move out. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. It took me 2 years to get to this point. All this affair fog is nothing but fucking crap they do not respect you they do not love you they do not care about the consequences that is going to happen all of this affair fog is nothing but excuses for them to have sex with another person they have given up on their marriage and they are not worthyOf being with, I totally agree. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. There are people like that. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. Im not saying he is but he is acting like one. I told him thats fine, do what he needs to do and ill sign. Yeah, whatever we do is seems very wrong. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. Its not reality. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. No! The longer the fog goes on, the more damage that is done to the marriage. I do know these things. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. I did everything to make his life easy. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. You may have to end the conversation if he continues the lies b/c you will go nowhere. However he was the one that came to his senses. Yes it might be indeed. Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. I know there is no right way to do this, but gosh I feel like my life is just in SUCH limbo I dont even know if I should invite him places or tell him plans I have as far as this weekend bc im just so afraid of pushing him away. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. When I wanted to get in a relationship, I sat him down and told him that the contact had to minimize because I am moving on. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. Good for you for standing up to him. Of course they are idiots but that is another conversation. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. K. I will contact Doug to give you my email address. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. Just like an alcoholic will do whatever is necessary to get alcohol, the same is true for a cheater. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. So sorry for you. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Sarah | The Hearts Blessing Presents Series BUt how the hell do you SHOW that youre moving on in life when you have a 5 month old baby that you are trying to get on a schedule and you have to be home pretty often and he sees & knows that.I feel like in this ENTIRE situation I have not been given a shot. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. No craziness. Well, no you dont know how I feel. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. He is acting like a typical cheater. Desesperate You can kick him out, 180 him and have no contact as much as possible. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. He took advantage one time too many. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. We live as roommates. Think of the affair like an addiction. She is probably not better than you. However that should not stop you from insisting he sign some type of an agreement that will have him pay child support for his children for as long as necessary. Unfortunately I was. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. I would suggest that you stop trying to get her back and instead focus your energies on yourself. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. Shortly after I found an organization that tries to help save marriages. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. Tell him that this is not what you expected when you married and had children. Until I found out he lied and was still with the OW and telling her he was going to be with her. Just know you cannot change him. See where it goes. Strong focused and determined. Cannot last. Its so weird. I wish I had lashed out and told him to F off and get out of my life. You can get past this. Fog is lifting, now what? - DivorceBusting.com And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. Remember that as a kid? I lose my confidence, I become so angry I cant see straight. He was rude and nasty and everything was my fault his unhappiness was all my fault.
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