Lavery had reported a congregant's confession of "obsessive sexual feelings about young children" to Pastor Ortberg, who encouraged that person to continue volunteering with minors. WE ARE NOT WORTHY. Google Pay. InSomething,Lavery tells that story again and again in strange, delightful ways. Slate Plus members get an ad-free experience across the network and exclusive content on many showsyoull also be supporting the work we do here on Big Mood, Little Mood. anyway also holy crap that whole bit on intimacy! In the last quarter or so, Lavery has unexpectedly and painfully become estranged from his family of origin and also married his magnificent wife Grace in the T4T wedding extravaganza of the century. This go-to guide is for anyone whos just trying to figure it all out and includes some of the major themes of Laverys Dear Prudie tenure, such as family estrangement, transitioning, and avoiding hurting others feelings. The past two months have been among the best of their lives, and also among the worst. Each letter is a story in need of a resolution. Adrian, this is brilliant; so excited to buy and devour Dannys book tomorrow! They write about bisexuality, gender, religion, politics, music and a whole lot of feelings at Autostraddle and wherever fine words are sold. - Lytt til The Act of Estrangement fra Big Mood, Little Mood with Daniel M. Lavery direkte p mobilen din, surfetavlen eller nettleseren - ingen nedlastinger ndvendig. . Transcript/Archive Basically the main "advice letter" is about someone in their 30s who was abused by the dad, and is resentful that the family seems to side with him. . Sitting in the gorgeous lobby of the Julia Morgan ballroom, I couldn't stop thinking about two things: 1. On hormones? A month before his wedding, he asked them about something that happened recently at the family's church. Go to macys.com/purpose to learn more.Learn more about your ad choices. Lavery ignores the parameters of genre altogether to produce a book that is original, poignant and fucking weird. The tidying-up of peoples personal lives has a singular appeal to Lavery. The Merry Spinster had the advantage of being fiction. They have a dog named after Alison Bechdel. Lavery declined to comment on the situation, but on Twitter he posted a summary describing a conversation he and Grace had with his father about the incident. Aaahh I have been swooning over these for weeks!! The irony of an advice columnist making horrible decisions and potentially getting egged on in this by another advice columnist is not lost on me. I highlighted the info from the about section from this site where it states that it includes trans peeps amongst everyone else in the lgbt+ community. Even if you have total clarity on your side, he says, there can be a counterweight to that choice that afterwards, the momentum slows down and the heaviness and grief, or even a sense of guilt, can settle in.. They began to speak of their shared desires to transition. Slate Plus members get an ad-free experience across the network and exclusive content on many showsyoull also be supporting the work we do here on Big Mood, Little Mood. On November 21, Daniel M. Lavery reports to the Elders of Menlo Church that their senior pastor, John Ortberg Jr., had conspired in secret to provide a person experiencing compulsive sexual feelings towards children with unsupervised access to young people through youth groups-in the hopes that the Menlo Elders would conduct a confidential and He had advised readers seeking to leave their families before, but he comes to it now with a newly heightened awareness of the costs. As such, its very easy to imagine Gomezs inner euphoria-driven monologue when he wakes up every morning: Ah, how wonderful! Also, Meinzer and Greenberg give us a behind the scenes look at their new podcast, How To Be Fine.Need advice? If the Toast were still around, its the kind of insight that might have led to an entire post: Transmasculine Beards of Art History. That was the websites sense of humor: well-read, absurd, knowing. The book is set to hit stores in April 2023. Please also read our Privacy Notice and Terms of Use, which became effective December 20, 2019. Photo: Grace Lavery. from my favourite Shatner Chatner, and very apt I think. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices, Danny Lavery welcomes Kristen Meinzer, an award-winning podcaster and author, and Jolenta Greenberg, a New York-based comedian and author. No one got hurt or lost anything in the process of their individual gendertransitions,he says, and the process was"fairlyeasy and good". Sometimes theyre huge problems that touch on racism or trauma or abuse. Ive been to a fair number of weddings in the last few years (as is expected for someone in their 30th year of life) and Ive loved them all, sentimental sap that I am. Walking through the Brooklyn Museum, Lavery encounters a small exhibition titled A Womans Afterlife: Gender Transformation in Ancient Egypt. Some writing on the wall provides an explanation: The Egyptians believed that when a woman died, she must briefly be transformed into a man to be reborn. They now live in the kind of unrealistically nice New York apartment that usually only exists on TV: crown molding, a massive walk-in closet, sweeping views of the Manhattan and Brooklyn skylines that only grow more spectacular when the sun sets. Thank you so much for sharing !!! Amicus With Dahlia Lithwick | Law, justice, and the courts. Please enter a valid email and try again. I WAS ALREADY EXCITED FOR THIS BOOK AND NOW I AM EVEN MORE EXCITED !!! Thoughtful advice given with kindness and consideration, about a wide range of interpersonal topics. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. i really missed them but its taken me like 18 months to start replacing them. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by! For Lavery, some of the most crucial questions and answers have had to do with family: the one he left behind and the one he has made for himself. It was hard, but not complicated.. His parents' brand ofevangelical Christianitydidn't have a problem with gender transition, he says, so in the early years, they were able to be understanding and supportive. This go-to guide is for anyone who's just trying to figure it all out and. Something went wrong. After living 30 years as Mallory Ortberg -a single, financially independent person acclaimed for her feminist writing-Lavery felt prepared to risk the possibility of regret for an opportunity to make an interesting change. There is something about celebrating a person and a relationship you trust and love with the people that matter to you most in life that is so touching and hopeful. to transition out of my bloodline and body entirely, to appear and become inhuman covered in eyelashes, maybe, Lavery wrote in his newsletter. 00:33:15 - Here's a special treat for all of you Big Mood, Little Mood listeners: Daniel M. Lavery is excited to introduce to you the new Dear Prudence podcast Talking family estrangement, the "soft version" of family abolition, and the novel Detransition, Baby, with guest Sophie Lewis. I always follow your blog. Unlike many trans people who describe their previous name as a 'dead name',Laveryrefers to 'Mallory Ortberg' as his "old name". Slate | Sciencx - Rules of Estrangement | Big Mood, Little Mood with Daniel M. Lavery Podcast. Daniel M. Lavery tried to explain why he was sitting outside as he spoke to me on the phone from New York in January. He told himself that if livingas a male and didn'tlike it he could also detransition, as others have. From Slate comes the Big Mood, Little Mood with Daniel M. Lavery advice podcast. Cant wait to read it. Ortberg, whose father is an evangelical pastor, takes the metaphor one step further, returning over and over again to the Bible story of Jacob wrestling with the angel in exchange for a blessing and being renamed Israel. Lavery, 33, is not just a random person. His unsparing assessment quickly gives way to thoughtful analysis. Send Danny a question here.Email: mood@slate.comIf you enjoy this show, please consider signing up for Slate Plus. The brotheralso said that, apart from Lavery, the rest of the family had known for years. But in his post-Toast career, Ortberg has rarely written with quite the combination of devastating precision and thoughtfulness and shameless joy that made the Toast so compelling at least until Something That May Shock and Discredit You. Every week, Danny M. Lavery brings on a guest to answer questions from listeners before diving into conversation about relationships, dissatisfaction, drives, regrets, estrangement . I wrote the piece without any pronouns. Robin took such amazing photos, and Grace and Danny look so happy. But theres also an inevitable (for me, at least) tendency toward rigidity and over-assuredness that comes from being asked your opinion on a regular basis over a six-year period, so that lightness wasnt entirely evenly distributed. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Copyright 2009 - 2023 The Excitant Group, LLC. Sign up now at Slate.com/MoodPlus to help support our workProduction by Phil SurkisMake an impact this Earth Month by helping Macys on their mission to bring more parks to more people across the country. To learn more or opt-out, read our Cookie Policy. I love these two, so glad they found each other and I agree with everyone else saying how beautiful the wedding was and how truly happy they both look. Maybe it helps for the advice-giver to have led a complicated life the kind that exposes you to different people, different problems, heartbreak, forgiveness and grief. Lavery now lives in New York with his wife Grace Lavery, a fellow writer who transitioned from male to female at the same time as his own transition. Slate Plus members get an ad-free experience across the network and exclusive content on many showsyoull also be supporting the work we do here on Big Mood, Little Mood. The Merry Spinster came out in the middle of things the middle of a name change, the middle of a palpable shift in the way he related to the world and so shallSomething That May Shock and Discredit You. Lavery thought about that one after his transition. Another letter writer is wondering how to cope with a boyfriend who suffers from delusions. I have a hard time experiencing pain for five minutes, I want to fix it fast. American writer Daniel Lavery says the idea that he'd enjoy living as a male was the biggest motivation for a gender transition in his early 30s. Lavery and Gethard take on three letters. Daniel M. Lavery tried to explain why he was sitting outside as he spoke to me on the phone from New York in January. And occasionally, Id hear back from a letter writer (although never as often as Id like!) Slate Plus members get an ad-free experience across the network and exclusive content on many showsyoull also be supporting the work we do here on Big Mood, Little Mood. Lavery created the Toast, with Nicole Cliffe and Nicholas Pavich, in 2013. Big Mood, Little Mood with Daniel M. Lavery. with further details that shed further light on their problems. From 2016 to 2021, Lavery wrote Slate's popular online advice column, Dear Prudence. Perspective, too. Im the only person who shouldnt take hormones. Sign up now at Slate.com/MoodPlus to help support our workProduction by Phil SurkisLearn more about your ad choices. [Internet]. Its not that I dont want to share experiences with people, especially other trans people, but I dont want relatability to encompass everything., The book avoids the pitfalls of meaningless relatability by being exquisitely specific and making plenty of room for the reader to have their own opinion about whether Duckie from Pretty In Pink is A) a lesbian or B) redeemable, or to consider the way their own religious upbringing might affect their emotional life as an adult regardless of how much anxiety about the Rapture that upbringing may or may not have contained. for his Substack newsletter (previously for Out Magazine). Lavery admits that he struggles with marketing copy and summaries, which is fair enough for a book that covers House Hunters, Dirtbag Sappho, and creation theology. Confession: I am an absolute sucker for weddings. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices, Danny Lavery welcomes Zak Rosen, a Detroit-based story maker who created and hosts the podcast, The Best Advice Show, and co-hosts Slates parenting podcast, Mom and Dad are Fighting. Support our mission and help keep Vox free for all by making a financial contribution to Vox today. They married in December. [Accessed 2023-04-15T16:29:41+00:00]. Im not crying at my desk, YOURE crying at my desk! . Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by! This article was published more than3 years ago. Join Facebook to connect with Danny Lavery and others you may know. Lavery served as Dear Prudences fourth columnist from 2016 to 2021, before handing off the reigns to Jene Desmond-Harris, the columns current Prudie. "Essentially I thought [female to male transition] would be a really good, fun, interesting, compelling thing to do and so far at least I think that it has been.". Danny Lavery welcomes Cyndie Spiegel, author of the book, Microjoys: Finding Hope (Especially) When Life is Not Okay.Lavery and Spiegel offer advice to someone who is uncomfortable bringing up financial privilege among their friend group. Another letter writer is losing her connection with her father, as he believes that COVID is fake. Theres something very pleasant about being able to change an answerI enjoyed that sense of flexibility. Even when Something That May Shock and Discredit You delves into difficult material Ortbergs relationship with his mother in the wake of his transition; the way certain friends and loved ones repeatedly talk about him as though he has died Ortberg always writes with a sense of profound and honest delight: What luck, its another day where he gets to be a man. Lavery, 33, is not just a random person. Writer Daniel Lavery, the estranged son of Menlo Church senior pastor John Ortberg, further claimed that not only had his father failed to stop the volunteer from working with children, he. Is this being curated toward acceptable vulnerability so that someone will walk away from this book liking me? he said. Ortberg, who since his marriage has changed his name to Daniel M. Lavery but published this book under the name Daniel Mallory Ortberg, first became famous for co-founding the beloved cult website the Toast. As an adult, he's grateful not to be part of an evangelical community but at the same time has deep gratitude and fondness for the stories of the Bible, including the "resonant and beautiful"story of Jacob wrestling with God in the Book of Genesis. He is known for having co-founded the website The Toast, and written the books Texts from Jane Eyre (2014), The Merry Spinster (2018), and Something That May Shock and Discredit You (2020). It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved - collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations. The day after their wedding, the Laverys decamped across the country to New York. This is a wonderful review and the new book sounds excellent! That's why we keep our work free. This is all so beautiful, I had a happy tear at the joy in that last photo of Grace. Grace, who was assigned male at birth, went first. It was a full-on immersive experience of like, hanging out for hours a day, every day, sharing incredibly intimate stories, says Grace, 36, a tall, British brunette who dresses glamorously in big sunglasses and fur coats a complement to Laverys holographic fanny pack and deconstructed houndstooth blazer. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices, Danny Lavery welcomes Gabe Mollica, a comedian, storyteller and writer in Astoria, Queens.Lavery and Mollica tackle two letters. Each week, we explore unique solutions to some of the world's biggest problems. All contents TRANS! Its comforting and helpful. Readers, who called themselves Toasties, felt genuinely bonded by their affection for the website. Something contains, for starters, a transing of the Apostle Paul, liberal use of liturgical phrasings, and an extremely funny re-telling of Mary and Martha. Slate Plus members get an ad-free experience across the network and exclusive content on many showsyoull also be supporting the work we do here on Big Mood, Little Mood. Millions of readers visitSlateeach weekfor the irresistible Dear Prudence, an advice column that delivers a healthy dose of reality with good humor alongside indispensable suggestions and life lessons. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices, Danny Lavery welcomes Tuck Woodstock, a journalist, educator, and the host of the podcast Gender Reveal. Hi! Nonbinary student banned from prom for wearing a suit. Me? Yesterday Daniel Lavery, the estranged son of John Ortberg, revealed what many suspected - the individual who had confessed to Daniel that "for as long as he can remember, he has been sexually obsessed with children - especially boys between the age of 8-13," is his brother. I disliked sexism, admired and liked women, had been given a girls name, and found it very easy not to think about my body, he writes of his life before transition; surely this made me a girl, and certainly no one had ever suggested that this was anything less than sufficient., Ortberg writes about wanting to apologize to his mother for no longer being her daughter, because it was the only way I knew to acknowledge that my body was a gift her body made me. (Since writing that passage, Ortberg has become estranged from his family and changed his name.) Laverys penchant for titles is here in full force (the books title is a Simpsons reference), with gems like I Love Your Vibe and Other Things Ive Said To Men and Its Hard to Feel Sad Reading Hans Christian Andersen Because Its Just Another Story About A Bummed-Out Candlestick That Loves a Broom and Dies.. He also writes about how Lord Byron isnt really mad or offended at his ex-wife. Danny Lavery welcomes Sophie Lewis, the author of essays about octopus sex, theoretical screeds about capitalism, and numerous texts about family abolition, including the 2019 book Full Surrogacy Now:.- Hren Sie The Act of Estrangement von Big Mood, Little Mood with Daniel M. Lavery sofort auf Ihrem Tablet, Telefon oder im Browser - kein Herunterladen erforderlich. Another letter writer is wondering how to cope in a less than desirable living environment. piercing! So when I tell you Grace Lavery and Daniel M. Laverys wedding was an experience that I am still not quite sure I can do justice to via written word, I mean it. By choosing I Accept, you consent to our use of cookies and other tracking technologies. Kate Duffy: licensed clinical social worker and loud north. A third letter is about fearing you are no longer attractive to your partner. In Something That May Shock and Discredit You, the author (who recently changed his name to Daniel M. Lavery) riffs elegantly on gender, theology, and pop culture. Danny Lavery welcomes Marie Manner, a research and development data scientist. Trying desperately to be okay with not enough and the goodness that comes from giving up that ghost is a prominent theme in Something That May Shock and Discredit You, Laverys new collection of essays. What should Prudie fans be looking forward to? This Guy on an Old Harry Potter Forum Says Dumbledore Is a Time-Traveling Ron Weasley and I Want to Hear Him Out, Ortberg has become estranged from his family, Bible story of Jacob wrestling with the angel. Sign up now at Slate.com/MoodPlus to help support our workProduction by Phil SurkisMake an impact this Earth Month by helping Macys on their mission to bring more parks to more people across the country. Nothing new, just says how he went from being super close with his family one day to estranged the next, and how hard it was right before the wedding and the adjustments that needed to be made. First of all, the applause really starts when my name is announced, before Im even all the way on the stage, still fully striding out from behind the curtain, because everybody knows whats coming down the pike, and what theyre applauding right now is certainty, is safety, is assuredness in the good things that are to come. Danny mentions the estrangement in his latest Dear Prudence podcast. Ditto. Really enjoy hearing Dannys thoughts on different topics each week but this episode only got through two questions. Yes, there are real people and real complexities on the other side of the Dear Prudence letters, but the format makes each advice-seekers mess seem manageable. To embed this content on your own webpage, cut and paste the following: , for easy access to all your favourite programmes, Podcast (MP3) Plus, Mollica shares the inspiration for his off-Broadway show, Solo.Need advice? ugh Adrian its unfair to make me cry when I dont even have the book yet! When he was growing up, Bible stories became his default reference points and remained so, even as he left behind other parts of his early life. Did you find yourself considering any in a new light? Half of Slates roster of parenting columnists are people of color, one of its sex columnists is a gay man, and the other is Stoya, a porn actress. The autobiographical parts of Something feel borne from a place like that, of in-betweens, not-yets and I-could-nevers. Danny Lavery welcomes Marie Manner, a research and development data scientist. He dropped his last name and cut off contact with his family. He's thinking about his parents, Nancy and John Ortberg. Getting in Bed With Kristin + Sophia Wallace: Clits, Shame, and the Patriarchy, RuPauls Drag Race Episode 1314 Recap: Drag Excellence, The Autostraddle Insider Issue 103: April 2023, Top 7 Style Blogs for The Aesthetically Oriented Queer, HBOs Somebody Somewhere Is Middle-Age Queer Friendship and Hard-Won Hope, Sex & Accessibility 101: How to Have Super Hot Sex with or as a Disabled Person, How to Finger Your Partner When You Have Chronic Pain in Your Hands, Autism Is Not a Trend, but There Are Problems With How Its Discussed Online, Pop Culture Fix: Meet Ariana DeBoses Disney Princess, The Original Star-Wisher. I would like to mourn for half an hour. It made my own life feel delightfully more crowded with experience than one person could possibly hope to have on their own. We caught up with Lavery, who continues to host a podcast for Slate calledBig Mood, Little Mood, ahead of the books release. Lavery and Rosen offer advice to someone whos wondering if he should be concerned about a cashier's creepy behavior. Copyright 2023 Apple Inc. All rights reserved. The Slate Group LLC. He hadnt; Nancy had attended to him after his mastectomy, he wrote in his newsletter. All rights reserved. The earliest advice columns, back in the 17th century, were written by men. Finally, a letter writer is wondering if they should speak up about her daughters water acclimation class.Need advice? In this new book, the hilarious and insightful Lavery reflects on his era as Prudie. Go to macys.com/purpose to learn more.Learn more about your ad choices. Other people's curiosity about why a person would transition from living as a female to living as a male is understandable, Lavery says,and he thought hard before making the choice. American writer and university lecturer Daniel Lavery And my God, if thats not what wanting is! In addition, we are reviewing our protective measures for children.. Slate is published by The Slate "Behold me, I am come," begins one spell. I did look for ways to make things easier, I thinkif I didnt believe I could persuade a letter-writer from abandoning a particular course of action, for example, Id suggest something that might at least mediate potential complications in the future, rather than spend a lot of time explaining why they ought to change their mind. But I think mainly I miss the excuse to get a glimpse into dozens of strangers lives on a weekly basisit was such a wonderful outlet for my general curiosity into how other people live. So-called trans-exclusive feminists, who invoke fear and anxiety with themessage that men transitioning to women involves women losing rights, have it wrong, he says. You've decided to leave a comment. Oggcast (Vorbis), American writer and university lecturer Daniel Lavery, Kerryn Fields: a folk and country music star finally back home, Alie Benge: writing about a concept of home, Richard Fidler: in the footsteps of medieval wanderers, Curtis Sittenfeld: rehabilitating the image of the rom-com. Please do not bring her back on the show. The best reason for transition, as I understand it, he concludes with deceptive mildness, is because I particularly wish it.. Big Mood, Little Mood with Daniel M. Lavery. Claus costume. By the time the bride strutted (and I mean strutted) down the aisle to Marina and the Diamonds Primadonna the room was thick with laughter and love. Grace had been thinking about it for decades soit was "a real delight"for the couple tostarttransitioning together, Lavery says, sometimessharing theirold clothes with each other and finding their own new personal stylein parallel. Dear Prudence, a newly minted New Yorker who came from the Bay Area, is wandering through the Brooklyn Museum, when Bernardino de'Conti's "Portrait of Catellano Trivulzio," stops him in his tracks. Sometimes theyre frivolous problems, about weddings or gifts, that present windows to deeper ones: codependency, boundaries and so on. This was easily the most stunning group of guests I had ever seen in one place and 2. Over the past few years, the story of his life has resembled a series of Dear Prudence letters that Lavery has had to resolve for himself, culminating in a . Roxane Gay, who wrote Ask Roxane for the New York Times through 2018, is a bisexual black woman who has also written about her weight. Send Danny a question here.Email: mood@slate.comIf you enjoy this show, please consider signing up for Slate Plus. Together, Meinzer and Greenberg host a new podcast called How To Be Fine, where they discuss wellness-related questions and help debunk all the self-help myths and promises.Lavery, Meinzer and Greenberg give advice to someone who is feeling under appreciated by friends who frequently park their cars at his home. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Note: Captions are auto-generated by YouTube.Subscribe to Slate: https://www.youtube.com/slateLearn more: https://slate.com/podcasts/big-mood-little-moodFollow Slate on Social: Host Daniel M. Lavery on Twitter: https://twitter.com/daniel_m_laverySlate on Twitter - https://twitter.com/SlateSlate Podcasts on Twitter - https://twitter.com/SlatePodcastsSlate on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/slateSlate on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/slate/ "Most people don't transition because they've been persuaded that men are better and there ought to be more of them or women are better and there ought to be more of them. Most of all, it feels true. "This is something I wanted to try because I thought it would enhance my life, not because it will remove all doubt or pain or ambiguity or uncertainty,"the American writer tells Kim Hill. We see no reason why women should not be learned now, the Athenian wokely replied. Its a joy. (Is it proper for women to be learned? someone asked in the Athenian Mercury, an 1690s British publication, according to the Atlantic. Another letter writer is concerned about coming out to their social media following. Until the arrival of Dan Savages Savage Love in 1991, Americas most famous 20th-century advice columnists were overwhelmingly middle-class white women, such as Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren (the pen names for sisters Esther and Pauline Friedman, respectively), E. Jean Carroll, and Judith Martin, also known as Miss Manners, among others. Adrian is a writer, a Texan and a divinity student at Vanderbilt University. Plus, a deep dive into Gethards Beautiful/Anonymous podcast.Need advice? All Rights Reserved. "I loved what I got to do before and I was ready to do something else.". It is neither apologetic nor self-justifying, and Ortberg remains very clear on the fact that he does not owe an explanation about himself or his gender to anyone. View the profiles of people named Danny Lavery. Advice readers are Slates most loyal users, according to Bill Carey, senior director of strategy at the website, and Dear Prudence gets the most traffic of any regular feature. Dear Prudence is choked up. Lavery had worried about losing his family when he transitioned. Questions of family, duty and abandonment make themselves known in the book, and though some last minute edits shifted certain particulars, those concerns still hold sway. Looks like it was a lovely ceremony, and those are really great photographs. Especially when people would say: It feels like someone died., Dear Prudence's final stop in the Egyptian collection is the Book of the Dead, a collection of spells for the afterlife. Writing the story of his transition, Lavery found himself returning to the Bible stories of his childhood: Theres the story of Jacob wrestling with an angel and emerging with a new name, Israel. Lavery's new book gives us everything we love about the long-running columnfrom thoughtful correctives to tough love. What comes next in the debt ceiling showdown. Oops. [More often, people undergo gendertransition because they think] 'Ithink I'd really like to be a man' or 'Ithink I'd really like to be a woman.'". According to Lavery, they gave some very bad answers. We accept credit card, Apple Pay, and
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