What the Mirror Can Teach You About Yourself: Advice from a Mirror Gazing Expert Most of us associate looking in the mirror with narcissism or feelings of inadequacy, but learning how to see yourself in your own reflection can increase self-compassion, aid stress-management, and improve relationships and emotional resilience. They are primary in several senses but chiefly in that they are fundamental in forming the social nature and ideals of individuals. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Use comparison as motivation to improve what actually matters. 2023 Mindful Communications & Such, PBC. Yes, energy is impersonal. I was able to unpack why Lisa triggered these feelings in me. Or it could be a characteristic you lack but wish you owned. wish you could feel more spiritually connected. 1 Identify the cause. 4. Singles making as much as $540,000 per year and couples making slightly more . -- and I assure you will be rewarded with an answer. When on the front stage, the actors are able to see an audience, and that audiences expectations as to the roles they should play influences the actors behavior. Its not perfect, but I finally accepted responsibility for the drama, and instead of yelling at them, started working on me. She was everything I wasnt. Welcome to "ChatMirror", a magic mirror app that focuses on inner growth and exploration. Charles Cooley (1902) proposed three steps to how interactions with others form self-identity: Cooleys empirical evidence derives from his observations of children. I looked forward to having the time to simply rest and relax in my own presence. How Blame and Shame Can Fuel Depression in Rape Victims, Getting More Hugs Is Linked to Fewer Symptoms of Depression, Interacting With Outgroup Members Reduces Prejudice. Forget trying to change everyone else or thinking that if some situation resolved to your expectation then you could be happy. "Don't compare your weaknesses to someone else's strengths.". Meanwhile, while backstage, individuals can release this role or identity. Then as they share what they are experiencing, I guide them to look beyond their surface appearance, put aside their habitual stories, and take a deeper look at themselves. If you notice yourself hardening by focusing on a detail or a flaw in your appearance breathe until you feel yourself softening again. Something clicks. However, there remain two main controversies in how sociologists investigate self-image that the looking-glass self addresses (Squirrell, 2020): Backman, C. W., & Secord, P. F. (1962). Comparing thoughtfully means taking an honest look at how you are viewing your success in life. To be at peace with your business and your life you can't just copy what someone else is doing, which is what comparing encourages. Remind yourself that other peoples outsides cant be compared to your insides.. Journal of International Academic Research, 10 (1), 9-19. Seeing that the path to improvement is attainable is keyyou're better off comparing yourself to someone a rung or two above you than to someone at the very top of the ladder. .literally. Rule 4 - Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today. Apply for a FREE Certified High Performance Coaching strategy session. I wasnt always present with friends because I was playing the comparison game in my head. First, they became aware of just how much they criticized themselves whether it was their appearance or some other aspect of themselves that they habitually found unacceptable. I focus on the worst that could happenand usually try to find solutions to avoid that outcome. Despite our deep bond, her brilliance tore me apart. Id comfort her and remind her what a great person she is. As part of my work (I speak and write about wellness, resilience, burnout, and mental health), I read the studies that show that time on social media feeds increases depression and envy and decreases well-being. When I was a little girl, I used to look at myself in the side of the shiny chrome toaster on the table, entranced by the expressions that crossed over my face, sometimes exaggerating them, and imitating the adults around me. People carefully curate the social media versions of their lives, and do the same with the lives they live publicly. Thanks for your comment, Judith (and sorry it took a while to reply). On a larger scale, did you know that the principles we can observe in the physical realm are parallel to that of the spiritual realm (if you are keen enough to notice them) . (2005). What does it mean, My life is a mirror? There will always be someone prettier, more talented, intelligent, bubbly, or outgoing. Though a mirror shows the inverted reflection of yourself, its version is more accurate than cameras. Use comparison, instead, to become a better person and maybe even make your little corner of the world a better place. How this energy is picked up, translated and perceived determines the level of regard or disregard we receive. Coincidence? Sarah told me that when Ciara gets in the drivers seat, I need to speak to her with love and understanding. Once those thoughts were on the page, I had the power to observe them and decide whether or not they were true or just a result of me feeling inadequate. The resulting theory of social interaction is called the dramaturgical model of social life. I came to realize that both of us were at similar points in life and that she was excelling in the exact areas I felt I was failing. My life is reflecting back, without feeling or judgment, what is being held in front of it. Charlotte Nickerson is a student at Harvard University obsessed with the intersection of mental health, productivity, and design. Are you holding your breath or breathing rapidly? What about other circumstances? Even now, I know I need to keep up that inner dialogue with Ciara and continue adding to my record of achievements. This is a pretty basic concept in the physical realm. I blamed it on having 3 girls. Its a reflection of the fact that I am doing the exact same thing in my own wayeven though I wish I werent. I found the mirror was a great way to work out my emotions, too. This is also supported by a number of classical studies (Miyamoto and Dornbush, 1956; Backman and Secord, 1962; Rosenberg, 1979). Goffman likens people taking part in social interactions to actors on a stage, taking part in various social roles. ty Advertisement Advertisement Rosenberg, M. (1986). If your initial reaction to looking at yourself is critical, notice your eyes as you look at yourself in this exacting, maybe even harsh or cold way see if you can flip your attention from the person (or image in the mirror) that you are scrutinizing to seeing the person who is underneath receiving that scrutiny thats who you really are. For the last seven years, I have been teaching mirror meditation. If youre not sure, try this question: Who have you compared yourself to in the last 24 hours? Never feeling good enough and looking to others for validation, can lead to placing the opinions of others above your own. Thank you for saying this, it really made the day better and less lonely. As a result, Rahim argues, individuals living in ghettos are more likely to participate in behaviors such as homicide and robbery and more likely to be barred from job opportunities and education. The reactions of others to ourselves provide us with feedback about ourselves of the most direct sort. Give me an hour of your time, and Ill help you see how to move toward fulfilling your potential and purpose. As has been long posited by sociologists, people may have a self-image that is formed by their interactions with others or even no essential self at all. Youd be surprised how many people dont actually enjoy pictures of you lounging by a clear blue sea with a coconut drink in your hand. As I delved into the neuroscience and psychology research, the pieces of the puzzle came together. Broaden your perspective, and compare yourself to the stars instead. Gratitude is a powerful emotion with enormous benefits. When children grow up without empathy or love. By following this rule, I started to understand where some of my insecurities were coming from. Molded by both internal and external forces, our self . Tara Well, PhD is a mirror-gazing expert, as well as a research scientist, motivational psychologist, and professor of psychology at Barnard College of Columbia University where she has taught Personality Psychology, Health Psychology, and Psychology of Leadership for over 20 years. And these posts never stop.. Does life have a choice what it will reflect? Your Partner Isn't Sure They Want a Relationship With You, Yes, You Can Raise Happy Children After Divorce, Healing From a Toxic Childhood? Copyright 2021 April OLeary. Everything. I would compare myself to a Bear,Aye-aye and a Panda myself to a bear - I am quite a lot hairy . I have no reflective surfaces, and I don't think mirrors are meant to openly comment on their users' appearance. Let's chat about how to get you from where you are to where you want to go. What kinds of comparisons might actually be healthy for you? Social Psychology Quarterly, 71-78. Rahim (2010) examined Cooleys (1922) theory of the looking-glass self in the context of people living in inner-city ghettos.. My face revealed a lot and some of it wasnt easy to see. The development of stereotypes and labeling. The ideas and feelings that people have about themselves their self-concept or self-image are developed in response to their perception and internalization of how . This human propensity to want what others have is such a waste of time unless what you see and covet in another is something of deep worth, such as their generosity or kindness. Quite the opposite: youll learn to stay present with yourself, manage the intensity of your emotions, and tap into a new inner strength. For Cooley, both emotions arise from self-monitoring, considering them to be basic social emotions (Scheff, 2005). Are others routinely the cause of your unhappiness? American Journal of Sociology, 61 (5), 399-403. How would I describe myself in relation to my mirror like qualities? Simply Scholar Ltd. 20-22 Wenlock Road, London N1 7GU, 2023 Simply Scholar, Ltd. All rights reserved, Goffmans The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. So I started thinking. I am satisfied with my appearance that my parents give me and make up by my BB cream, eyes shadow, dress and shoes. This initial theory was based on Cooleys observations of childhood social development. Part of HuffPost Wellness. This affords me the opportunity to grow and change.. This is how life was reflecting me back to myself! Don't compare yourself to others or criticize other's shortcomings. Men have long been silent and stoic about their inner lives, but theres every reason for them to open up emotionallyand their partners are helping. If I dragged myself to the gym on a morning I really didnt want to go, I wrote it down. Become aware of, and avoid, your triggers. They can give you a blueprint for improvement and inspire you to change. Begin to view the mirror, the reflection, and see what you are called to develop within yourself instead. Sarah encouraged me to keep a journal and jot down my thoughts, particularly when I was in a self-esteem spiral. By comparison, everything in my life seemed less than. Or everything I thought I wasnt. I might have expected these feelings at 16, but I was 30, a grown-up, and someone who rarely felt threatened by anothers success. The only way to be satisfied and happy is to stop comparing yourself to others. Felson, R. B. Liking, selective interaction, and misperception in congruent interpersonal relations. My confidence was taking a beating, and I felt truly worthless. Share those, perhaps, with a limited audience, maybe close family and friends who really want to see them. On self and social organization: University of Chicago Press. It became a meditation. For instance, Im a worrier. And so it is. ~Louise Hay, Click below to get your FREE copy of THE ULTIMATE LOVE AFFAIR Now. If you are currently dealing with a mirror who is selfish, irresponsible, cruel do not mistake the qualities of the other as your own. For example: If your boss mistreats you, puts you down, belittles you and ignores your hard work -- chances are you'll become offended, angry and complain what a horrible person they are. The comparison gameor waris as old as humanity. These self-appraisals can also be limited by communication barriers and styles, and there are certain circumstances such as when self-evaluation is ambiguous where the perceived responses of others are more aligned with their actual responses (Franks and Gecas, 1992). Often, they are able to shift their attention from seeing their imperfections to seeing themselves as the sufferer and the creator of the suffering in the mirror. Or a commentary on your self-worth. As we spend more time alone and on our devices, we miss out on the face-to-face reflection that helps us stay emotionally connected to ourselves. It seems that by practicing giving themselves their full attention and learning how to be with themselves through uncomfortable emotions, they were able to be more present with others and their relationships deepened. Who do you most frequently compare yourself to? Resolve to catch yourself next time. I avoid mindlessly scrolling through social media feeds as much as possible. But it wasnt an exercise in self-adoration. There are two kinds of mirrors - one reflects lack of awareness and the other depth of awareness -- it is up to you to discern which one you are dealing with. The more you can to see yourself in others, the more accepting and loving you become of themand of yourself. That step does not, however, mean you condone a behavior or quality. I replied that I would sit with her and discuss her feelings. I decided to take the more peaceful route, instead of always getting frustrated or rushing. I learned how to listen better and to be more patient. Imagine if you could elevate the comparison game to a useful art form. According to Cooley, people learn to use the looking-glass and thus learn who the self is through primary groups such as the family. Being envious of another person's money may be a waste of time since wealth isnt associated with increased happiness or well-being. (1998). I read into email responses from a team member and tell myself he is angry with me. In the urgency to be seen and acknowledged and understood, we can completely miss each other. I felt lighter. Looking at my own reflection filled me with amusement and curiosity and it helped me understand and express emotions. Read More, Mindful founding editor Barry Boyce explores how alternative ways of measuring time can help us find more ease and acceptance in daily life. In other words, the other is key on our journey to self realization. How w. I'm confused as to what this question is asking. Two Mindfulness Practices to Connect with Nature, A Guided Meditation for Exploring Your Habitual Reactions, Ammis Adventures: A 4-Minute Self-Awareness Meditation for Kids, A Guided Meditation for Gathering Your Energy, A Guided Meditation to Train Moment-to-Moment Awareness, 9 Mindfulness Books to Add to Your Reading List, Women Are Leaders of Mindfulness at WorkHeres Why, 7 Mindful Movement Practices for Daily Life. Butask yourself first if they really want to see them. Have no goals other than to sit with yourself for the allotted time. Theodore Roosevelt. Ultimately, the researchers found that, despite the virtually unlimited freedom in the appearances and range of behaviors that players could take on, participants cultivated socially acceptable appearances that would be interpreted in particular ways by others in their interactions (Martey and Consalvo, 2011). Familiarity breeds liking. Have you ever judged someone? Its a process of looking inward and seeing what you find. What is a mirrors only purpose? A number of researchers have examined the looking-glass self in the context of virtual environments. Never miss one of my videos! You are not alone in this. Therefore comparing myself to a pencil in terms of making mistakes, I can say that I am afraid of making mistakes because I lack the best way of dealing with problems. Have you unfriended someone on Facebook who had opinions with which you didnt agree? A test of interactionist hypotheses of self-conception. Symbolic interactionism is a micro-level theory that focuses on the meanings attached to individual human interactions as well as symbols. 3. We come to understand who we are through others reflections of us. Notice if your breathing changes when your first look at yourself. Notice if your attention becomes very narrow and exacting, and if so, see if you can expand it back to seeing your whole body, your whole self, and notice any emotions on your face. Who do you admire? The mirror brought it to light. Also, I may talk about positivityand even speak positivelybut in the background, my thoughts are negative. They found that their capacity to feel and accept a broader range of emotions increased from doing the meditation. While individuals self-images are shaped by others, this only happens through the mediation of their own minds. The "person" in. As the work continued, I asked my mirror gazing students to describe in their own words any changes they noticed from doing the meditation. Your innermost thoughts, whether they originated from you or absorbed from others, contribute to your experiences. And if you enjoyed this post, please share it on social media or with a few friends. The concept of mirroring provides a way to debunk the belief that you are different than those people you dont like, judge as bad, or believe are differentin some way. Or are those you associate with most frequently negative or gossipy? In fact, kinder self-awareness is the key to breaking free from the inner critic and the external world that stokes our fears and anxieties that we are never safe, never good enough, and never have enough. I could begin the next crucial step in freeing myself from the comparison trap: starting a conversation with her. Not in my budget, ever. Just noticing where your attention goes and any feelings that are associated with it without judgment. The presentation of self in everyday life. If you don't believe it, extend your right hand to shake hands with yourself. My motives for connecting with others were clearer: It was less about getting them to see me and validate me and think I was wonderful, and more about discovering who they truly are, and what they are communicating beyond their words. The looking-glass self, first coined by Charles Cooley, describes how ones self or social identity is dependent on ones appearance to others. And I find Ive softened and become much more compassionate and caring in the process. Your email address will not be published. I was able to unpack them and decipher where they may have come from, and it was incredibly freeing. Scheff, T. J. And in seeing their faces, we learn how they feel and how we feel in turn. And sometimes what is triggered will leave many of us hurt and stunned.